So I’m sick and don’t have anything to update with. However, I remembered an amazing thread Brian once made last year that he reposted on the forum earlier this year that has not yet been put up on the website. So I figured an easy but worthwhile post would be to simply copy/paste that, especially for new members and any non-forum-going readers. And now the original post, about the love and respect good ol’ Yahweh has for the penis.

This post was originally inspired by a news story way back in July 2006, about some women being ordained Catholic priests in my native Picksburgh, PA, and the Catholic church’s subsequent threat to excommunicate them. It so happens that eight days ago, the church carried through on that threat (just in time for Easter!) for some of the women who dared become priests.

I decided that in celebration of Easter, when Jesus and his penis were nailed to a cross to atone for all of our sins, I should re-post my humble words so they might be preserved for posterity.

In Catholic doctrine, only males can become priests. By what right can men become priests and women not? The presence of a penis is the apparent determining factor. Quote the article:

A statement today says in part, - The call to the ministerial priesthood comes from God and is authenticated by the Church, not by any individual.

By this we can eliminate the possibility that the penis-related policies are the opinions of the clergy. It’s not the clergy who demands penises; it’s God himself.

The ordination of males to the priesthood is not merely a matter of practice or discipline within the Church, rather, the Church has determined that this is part of the deposit of faith handed down by Christ through his apostles. The Church is therefore bound by it and not free to change it in this regard.

By this we can see that we learn of God’s penis requirements through Jesus himself, as passed down over many generations of penis-bearing followers carrying on Jesus’ traditions.

Now at first glace, this may seem silly. However the Catholics are 100% correct. No one without a penis has any right to be a clergy member. The holiness of the penis has sound Biblical backing.

God has a penis

Consider the fact that God himself has a penis:

Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

Man is created in God’s likeness. This implies that God himself has a penis. And not just any penis. No mere mortal can behold the glory of God’s all-powerful loins:

Ezekiel 1:27
27And I saw as the colour of amber, as the appearance of fire round about within it, from the appearance of his loins even upward, and from the appearance of his loins even downward, I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and it had brightness round about.

God’s penis is bright, round, and casts a burning, amber light from deep within.

Is it any surprise that when God decided to manifest Himself on earth, in the form of Jesus, that he chose to be a man and not a woman? You’d better believe Jesus had a penis! Without a penis, what would be the point?

God himself impregnated Mary, mother of Jesus, which means that God’s penis is fully functional. And I quote:

Luke 1:34
“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” 35The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.

Here we see that the Holy Spirit itself also has a penis, with which it impregnated Mary; and this penis is “most high”. (To clarify, the angel’s nickname for the Holy Spirit’s penis is “power”.) Now, if God has a penis, Jesus has a penis, and the Holy Spirit also has a penis, does that mean that together, they have three penises? That’s a common mistake, but no. The three penises are the same, and yet at the same time different. They are three “aspects” of the same penis. This is one of the mysteries of God’s existence.

In spite of the fact that God impregnated Mary, Mary was still a virgin; thus God’s penis is not only physical, but also spiritual in nature, and has powers beyond those of the penis of any mortal.

Important figures in the Bible had penises

Consider the most important figures in the Bible.

Adam was created before Eve, and Adam had a penis. It is no coincidence that the penis-bearer was created first; the penis is of vital importance.

Once Adam fell from grace, Genesis says he began to cover his penis:

Genesis 3:7
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Adam is very concerned about his penis, even though Eve is the only person who was around to see it, and presumably she’d already had a good look. Perhaps Adam no longer feels worthy of his penis?

Abraham had a penis. Genesis 17:10-14 tells us:

This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised. You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you. For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner - those who are not your offspring. Whether born in your household or bought with your money, they must be circumcised. My covenant in your flesh is to be an everlasting covenant.

Cutting some skin off of your penis is the sign of the covenant between God and mankind. Can there be any greater indication of the importance of the penis to God? Why this sign in particular? Perhaps God is asking people to give up what he considers to be the most important thing in the world, namely their penises (or small parts of their penises, in any case).

Genesis 17:14
Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant.

As you can see, not only is the possession of a penis important; you must have the RIGHT KIND of penis. It must be properly “groomed”, so to speak. The wrong kind of penis can only lead to exile and damnation.

Noah had a penis. Nearly an entire chapter of the Bible is devoted to it:

Genesis 9:20-27
20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. 21 When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. 22 Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness and told his two brothers outside. 23 But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father’s nakedness. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father’s nakedness.

24 When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, 25 he said, “Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers.”

26 He also said, “Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem! May Canaan be the slave of Shem. [b]

27 May God extend the territory of Japheth [c] ; may Japheth live in the tents of Shem, and may Canaan be his [d] slave.”

A single, unintentional glance at Noah’s penis caused an entire nation of people (the Canaanites) to become Israel’s sworn enemies, and in fact countless wars were fought against these people over the centuries. One could say that the entire history of strife in the Middle East region was caused by not treating Noah’s penis with the respect it deserves.

The great kings of Israel including Solomon and David had penises. Consider Solomon:

1 Kings 11:3
He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 concubines. Solomon’s penis was mighty indeed! Tireless, at any rate. I think the greatness of Solomon’s penis had no small part to play in Solomon’s recognition as one of the greatest and wisest kings in history.

David also had a mighty penis. David was a ruler over the penises of many men:

1 Samuel 18
25And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

26And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired.

27Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

From this we also learn that God desires not only the penises of believers, but the penises of all mankind.

However even the mighty must eventually fall:

1 Kings 1:1-5
1Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

2Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

3So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

4And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

5Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, I will be king: and he prepared him chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him.

It was determined that David was no longer fit to be king once his penis was no longer “up to the task”, so to speak. This is a clear example of penis strength as an indicator of the right and ability to rule. How could a woman even have a chance?

Note that all twelve of Jesus’ Apostles had penises. Their twelve penises correspond to the twelve penises of the tribes of Israel. The Apostles: twelve penises working together for the sake of all mankind. This tradition carries on today, in the penises of holy men everywhere.

God loves penises

We’ve already seen that properly managing your penis via circumcision was (and remains today) a vital part of man’s relationship with God. However, the penis wasn’t just a way to seal contracts with God. God also has a special place for penises in his heart.

Penises can sooth God’s nerves, preventing him from acting out his psychotic tendencies:

Exodus 4:24
24 At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met Moses and was about to kill him. 25 But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it. “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,” she said. 26 So the LORD let him alone.

God truly appreciates penises, and he does not tolerate their misuse under any circumstance.

Genesis 38:9-10
But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so he put him to death also.

Let this be a warning to the wicked: penises have a natural, God-given purpose. Do not take your penis for granted.

Conclusions

There are few things in this world more sacred to God than the penis. God has a penis, and so did all of this friends. Proper care for your penis brings you closer to God; improper use of a penis incurs God’s wrath.

A penis is a sensible, natural, and Bible-proven requirement to be a member of clergy. To ignore this truth is to disregard the penis of God himself.